“Does anybody know where the Toilets are ?” No one asked Kirk, Ever.

Mar 01

An interesting question floated through the Knightwise.com social media feeds a couple of days ago. Its nature was logical, common and very natural. It questioned the existence of a basic utility that tends to every humans needs at least once a day. It reveled in the ignorance whether or not such a facility existed on the bridge of our favorite starship.

“Where is the bathroom on the bridge of the original Enterprise : NCC 1701”

Without doubt this must have been a question that has been posed at the countless Star Trek Fanclub meetings and Comic con events. Where Princes Leias in tiny outfits asked fat guys dressed up as Picard “Where’s the bathroom ? ”   The winner of this little questionnaire was @niejana who was apt to point out that ” There weren’t any”.  But nerdy as we are we need to find the fact behind her claim.

The bridge of the original enterprise.

One of the alternative answers from the geekosphere stated that this claim was in fact FALSE. There was a second door next to the viewscreen that would lead to the toilets (or “head” as its called in naval terms)  As we look towards the bridge plans of the original bridge we see no such door. The one thing that marked the fact that health and safety ruses where not very prevalent in Starfleet is the fact that there is only ONE DOOR on the bridge. If the turbolift doors would ever be glued together with superglue (You cannot trust those Klingons) everybody would be trapped. The fact that 300 years into the future people “dis-invented” circuit breakers makes that at the slightest jolt, bridge consoles tend to explode and there is always a lot of smoke, fire and toasty fingertips to go around on deck. With only one door … I would feel claustrophobic.  But we digress since having a door next to the viewscreen would mean everybody would be looking straight at you every time you went for a tinkle. Awkward ! 


Of course we need the blueprints to be sure. Cygnus 1 is a beautiful collection for all you cyber stalkers who would like to know on what deck Yeoman Rand dries her laundry. When we take a look bridgeplan but find no “little room for ensign Uhura to powder her nose either”  We do see a “secondary exit” added to all Starships a little later on. (Klingons, Superglue… Shit happens on the Enterprise you know ! )

Perhaps its better next time ? 

This oversight can of course not go unpunished. Or at least that is what we thought. After spending months in drydock (and being handed over to Captain ‘I was a minister in Seventh Heaven and it shows ‘ Decker … the only thing that is added to the Enterprise bridge is .. a second set of turbolifts. Scotty ! What are you thinking ! ! !



Can I get a Head ? 

We have to wait more then 80 years for the concept of wearing diapers on the bridge wears out its novelty. (Its the only possible alternative)  Meanwhile 3 other Starship Enterprises have been blown to smithereens or have returned to Spacedock carrying an empty septic tank and a crew with a bladder infection. In the Enterprise D, (You know, the obese model that looks like the inside of the Bellagio) one can answer natures call. You will have to tiptoe to the back of the bridge and try not to scold Worf afterwards because he left the seat up again. Klingons will glue doors shut when they are angry (or so I heard).

So if you still feel the need to go into Starfleet, make sure you eat well, exercise, study, train hard .. But DON’T drink plenty of fluids.. Because in space no-one can hear you flush. 


Related Posts

Blackout during Globalgeek Podcast Recording.

Oct 30

Yesterday morning was your average sunday morning at casa del Knightwise. As we where enjoying daylight savings time an extra hour of sleep for some was turned into an extra hour of lounge for us. Childish as it may be , my wife and I love hanging out in front of the tv/computer on a sunday morning , watching cartoons like sponguebob and some silly american sitcoms. This of course would not be geek enough where it not that while i was having breakfeast/nickelodeon I was also browsing through the shownotes of the global geek podcast that we where going to record that same day. 

hackSo at 10'ish the homework was done and my good friend Dave Gray calls in to do some chitchat / soundcheck just before we start recording the show. Mind you : Dave is on the other side of the planet ( Near Brisbane Australia) and recording the whole podcast over skype in the two hour window we set up in our busy lives, is not always easy.  But no problems where expected. Or so we thought.

 3 2 1 …. Dave intro's the show and the recording starts. My wife turns to hushpuppy mode not to make any disturbing background noises and gives me a wink as Dave and I start to talk about the first topic.  Its all fine and dandy unti suddenly … no more Dave. I find myself finishing of a topic, waiting for a reply .. and hearing nothing. A quick check shows me : No Dave on line anymore ! I seldom swear out loud .. but this is seldom 🙂 Darn ! Where did Dave go.

Bless the power of the internet , i fire up my skype list , dig up daves personal cellphone number and call him up (thanx to rediculesly low skype costs a call to the other side of the planet is concidered peanuts.) but I get his voicemail. All kind of scenario's go through my head. What the frack is going on : No Skype , No cellphone , No internet connection over there apparently … Has a giant meteor struck Australia ?

But then suddenly I get a request to add a familiar name to my Skype list : James Gray (Dave's brother who joined us as a guest on the previous show). Extatic with adrenaline we try calling eachother right away , each getting a busy tone. But after syncin out who's the boss we manage to setup a call. Enter "Ell Dirty Hack".

 It seems that Daves house has fallen of the powergrid and in panic he wanted to call ME on my cell. Where is Knightwise's number .. Dave fretts .. On the computer .. is the reply. So the only option he had left was calling James using his cellphone. James puts the call on the speakerphone of his landline phone and calls ME on skype. And that way me and Dave get to communicate.  The difference in audio quality is hilarious (not to mention the time delay and the occasional translations having to be made by the 'airbridge operator James) It sounds like Dave is on the moon , James is sitting next to me and I literally feel on the oposite  side of the globe. But as creative as geeks get , we mananged to get it working. 

Thus I get the luminous idea of recording this hilarious skitt . I hit skype recorder and bash together some impromptu show. The whole thing is saved as an MP3 and sent of to our personal FTP server. Since Dave is going to be off line later (the time difference is NINE HOURS) I relay the login and password to James who tries to get them over to his brother.  Redundancy is king so I send both the login credentials AND the file via Email to Dave's place aswell.

Needless to say .. We had a great laugh .. The show we planned for this week is, of course, toast .. but the little skit we recorded is priceless. What did amaze me was the flexibility and the SPEED the all of us had in setting up alternate means of communications and getting things sorted to get in touch with eachoter and getting the necessary recources from one harddisk on the northern hemisphere to another one on the southern one. The smoothness, swiftness and creativeness we use when 'operating' the internet amazes even me sometimes.

You can read Dave's side of the story HERE.

Related Posts