From : Monday, January 31, 2005

Fire in babylon ! ! ! !

wanted to update last Friday but i was too shaken to make any sense of
the words that blurted out. I don’t know just how much information i am
allowed to disclose about what is going on.. but its family related
stuff and its pretty serious. When I drove to work I had my Ipod
playing ‘shuffle’ when Sinead O’conners song ‘Fire in Babylon’ was on.
And it just about covered the whole story. Maybe not the words but
surely the way it is brought. To who want to know : Sit in a quiet dark
room, alone and turn that song on.. LOUD , REAL LOUD. and then you get
a little glimpse of all the stuff that went trough me during the
weekend. Things in the world around me are shifting and tilting in
impossible angles. When nature takes its course there is nothing you
can do to stop it .. but still. If time is the fire in which we burn..
then there is fire in Babylon.

has draped its dark cloak over my shoulders and I feel the weight of
worry draw phantom lines in the corner of my eyes. I feel old somehow..
no , not old , I feel i am aging. A part of my world is tainted with
the ambers of mortality and its setting twilight overshadows the
cloudless sky’s of my soul. Not only I feel like I am getting older..
also the persons around me start to look at me differently. Being the
Benjamin has given me the privilege of eternal childhood in the eyes of
my elders and siblings. Only now do they start to realize I’m not a kid
anymore. At the right time and in the right place I take up my place
among the ‘others’ and make a crucial difference when en where it is
needed.. I smile silently as I hear their surprised mumbles… ‘He’s
not a kid anymore’. Tell me something that’s new. I’ve grown up a long
time ago and my life was not always the playground you thought it was
to me. I have seen my dire straights and have had my dark clouds.

am stronger then you think and am gently getting fed up of having to
prove it all the time. Respect and appreciation comes at the price of
service i guess. I have given up shouting that I am no longer the child
in me. I have given up trying to prove myself. I just let them slide
and slip only to be the last and unexpected hand that stops them firmly
from tumbling to their doom. My eyes lock gently upon them as i
gracefully swallow my ‘I told you so’. The one good thing about being
underestimated is that you take people by surprise on a daily basis.

the naive smile slides from my worried face I can only look towards the
future in apprehension. I do not know what lies beyond the horizon but
I already smell the burning rubble of what might lie ahead. As the
shockwaves roll along the borders of my existence I try hard to keep my
Mare Tranquilatis a true spot on the moon. Far away from everything and
without the gravity of the whole situation to pull my hopes down…

fight for my island of peace and try to find the subtle balance between
getting involved and getting sucked in. Balancing on the event horizon
of this inevitable black hole I fight the impossible demands that draw
me in, and my conscience that would gladly tip
me over the edge. I must stand my ground and find equilibrium between
my own life and the one i came from. Between my own world and the world
i sprang from. Looking for that one free zero-G orbit… As Babylon

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