Thinking of her…

Feb 22

My love.

Time flows like a silent river. The babbling brooks of days gone by flow into its gently swinging curves. Like lightning strikes the dark but ever present horizon. I sail with you through the oceans of time and over the waves of life. You are the sea that keeps me afloat, you are the water that drowns me. You are the happyness I bathe in and you are the darkest abyss of my sorrow.

Everywhere I look I see you and even when my eyes are closed your love taints the darkness an amber gold. You are the core where my planets spin around. The center of the gravity of my existence. without you i would be lost, adrift in space. My heart cold and empty. My life bursting with the vacuum of emptyness.

It is so hard to find words that tell what you mean to me. For your soul cannot be caught in letters nor numbers. One cannot pin the wind to a peace of paper. Or paint a sunsett in black and white. There is so much of you I cannot grasp and cannot understand.

The only shell that clamps my feelings in a feeble motion is.. that i want to be yours forever.

Poetry just jumps me from time to time :).

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Prelude to @-homeness.

Feb 17

hmm. time for another update, trying to find the balance between techno babble and Babylon-doom-style posts. Not easy though. Start of with the practical stuff i guess. Yesterday i decided to skip class because i was just to damn tired. Almost ran a red light in the morning and felt all fuzzy all day long. One does need more sleep ! The whole Babylon scenario is more energy-draining then i expected. Add to that some fun filled weekends (cause one has to set ones mind of things) and by the middle of the week I’m just about ready to star in 'revenge of the sleep deprived zombies'. So i took the 307 southbound instead of school bound yesterday and crashed on the couch the minute I got home (and fell asleep). Maggie (our cat) came purring up and nestled himself on top of me instantly .. We fell asleep together ( i do envy our cat, he gets to sleep all day long !). Sas came home at about 7 and we went out for fries (i HATED getting up and going outside, I’m very moody when I’m tired) Watched some TV in the evening (I tried to sleep but I cant sleep with the TV on) Went to sleep at about 9 and cursed the damn tube. I am starting to hate TV (cause its linear / one-way entertainment) (and for that , i get irritated pretty fast by radio too). Am i so used to the internet, digital on demand radio and downloading the stuff i like ? Don't know. I just think its a petty people just sit there and stare at the tube (with absolutely NO quality shows) Yes, one could argue that sitting behind the computer is the same thing. But then you are interacting with SOMEONE. .. Perhaps I just feel the drag of not being home enough (always on the road). Its weird keeping in touch via Chat and Email with your own fiancé (even if we DO live in the same house) But we don't get to spend much time together. (ok , we sleep together , but that’s beside the point) I've calculated how much time we get to spend together over the week. Monday / Tuesday: 3 hours (7pm to about 10pm) Wednesday / Thursday (nothing , i get home at 11pm) Friday (about three hours , sometimes more if we go out) And the rest ? Saturday afternoon and evening and Sunday. That’s it. Imagine us having kids ? We could set them up for adoption from day one cause we would never be home to take care of them. Lol.

Well , thank heavens for the internet . If it weren’t for the internet I would be lost. Me and Sas keep in touch over Email and chat, I am working on more ways to stay 'connected' when i'm away and its all trough the net. Oh bless you Berkeley !!

Speaking of Berkeley. they invented BSD (a Linux distribution) and guess what . A variation of BSD is the core of apple's OSX .. and Apple OSX runs on… MY IBOOOK !!!! (and i told you about that , didn't I). Of to another busy weekend : Mobile-man AWaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyy

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A -life-dot-mobile.

Feb 15

Been a while since my last post. I have decided to let all the bad stuff flow away in this post. Don't feel like getting all wrapped up in it all over again. Yes , Babylon is still burning but I’m getting a bit used to the heat of the fire right now. The biggest challenge i have right now is the demand of my time. I'm swamped with stuff to do and things to arrange (its almost like the time when we where renovating our house) but I’m trying to cope with it. I face one of my biggest challenges everyday : Saying NO to people (messed up big time again yesterday by letting people take control of my time and just buckling instead of standing my ground). The only one who is fucked is Me (and Saskia) whenever my agenda is invaded with requests from others. It's hard saying no.. but as it turns out I’m going to have to learn it someday. I don't have anything planned yett for tonight (from 5 to 7 pm) so i have decided to take myself out for a cup of coffee (i have been planning this for three weeks in a row) and by god, I’m going to do it !. Just me .. and my Ibook (did i mention it arrived ?)

Yep , its here , from last Thursday i'm a proud mac owner and am enjoying my little 12" white buddy very much. Even bought myself a new tiny backpack to fit it all in and i am extremely pleased with my new outfit. Went to Aachen last week (did a beeline from Antwerp to Aachen to Hasselt just to be on time to pick it up).

I've started to realize I’m living a whole different life these days. I'm out the door so much that i hardly get the chance to sit down at my desk and do the work thats lying around there. I've been trying to come up with a ' techno survival pack' that helps mee 'keep in touch' with my 'home base'. Its quite difficult making your entire techno-surrounding adaptable to a life on the road. Its more then turning your office into a 'mobile office'. I'm trying to turn my 'life' into 'a-life-DOT-mobile'. (I’m techno ranting again.) But think of it as a cross-platform-opensourced-remotely-connected-portable-lifestyle. Now THERE is a title for an essay.

Because i am on the road this much I’m building this 'mobile lifestyle kit' in order to be able to survive while on the road and stay connected and in touch with my life at home. The way it looks right now it's pretty useless having all my stuff stored on my pc at home. So i'll just have to figure out a way to "get myself connected". The 'mobile office' i'm building is going to be just that. No matter where i go , I’ve got to have 'connectivity' or at least be able to work. So , First-class , web mail , vpn connections , war driving , Gmail , remote file access , remote desktop, blogging etc etc…. . it is going to have to come together to give me a virtual connection to my 'base-life'. Even in the weekends I’m out the door a lot so its imperative i get this stuff to work. (now here is a challenge 🙂 )

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Just … Be !

Feb 07

What are the lines below ? The lyrics of an anthem.. the words of a song that has unlocked the secrets of the third decennium to me…

Is it poetry in the modern world or a psalm of fundamental truth in a haze of chaos.

I don't know but what i do know is that it feels so right it has to be true.

'You can travel the world

But you can't run away

From the person you are in your heart

You can be who you want to be

Make us believe in you

Keep all your light in the dark

You're searching for truth

You must look in the mirror

And make sense of what you can see

Just be

Just be'

As I feel the world around me falling apart somehow I can see beyond the destruction that will come. As the past tears away and tradition is shattered and blown away in the storm of time, I see my own life emerge from the chaos. There is a sense of loss that what once was, will never be again. A pang of pain and guilt that some things are counting down to extinction. But on the other hand as the past falls away my future is set free from the chains of what once was. As 'where i came from' fades away 'who I really am ' starts to shine ever more bright. For with the good goes the bad and both are resolving into nothingness. I do not know if, when this is over i will be lost or if i will be free.. But no matter what happens… i will.. Just BE !

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Babylon burns on….

Feb 04

Its not realy my day. Allthough I had half a day off from work i've been running around like crazy trying to get everything sorted out that needs to be done. And there is shit flying everywhere. To top it all off my Ibook has arrived, but with the wrong keyboard. I'm sitting prepped up next to the phone for the shop to ring that everything is in order and that i can pick up the ibook tomorrow… but no such luck I guess. Meanwhile Babylon continues to burn and I try franticly to keep the fire from our Island of snow. I've been spending some time at my parents place these days, helping out and stuff.. And I am still amazed at how fast and how firmly this plave puts me down. I feel like a kid again.. and … I didn't have a happy childhood. And now the responsability of the child towards the elder comes into play. And part of me just can't cut it.

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Fire in babylon ! ! ! !

Jan 31

 

I wanted to update last Friday but i was too shaken to make any sense of the words that blurted out. I don't know just how much information i am allowed to disclose about what is going on.. but its family related stuff and its pretty serious. When I drove to work I had my Ipod playing 'shuffle' when Sinead O'conners song 'Fire in Babylon' was on. And it just about covered the whole story. Maybe not the words but surely the way it is brought. To who want to know : Sit in a quiet dark room, alone and turn that song on.. LOUD , REAL LOUD. and then you get a little glimpse of all the stuff that went trough me during the weekend. Things in the world around me are shifting and tilting in impossible angles. When nature takes its course there is nothing you can do to stop it .. but still. If time is the fire in which we burn.. then there is fire in Babylon.

Age has draped its dark cloak over my shoulders and I feel the weight of worry draw phantom lines in the corner of my eyes. I feel old somehow.. no , not old , I feel i am aging. A part of my world is tainted with the ambers of mortality and its setting twilight overshadows the cloudless sky's of my soul. Not only I feel like I am getting older.. also the persons around me start to look at me differently. Being the Benjamin has given me the privilege of eternal childhood in the eyes of my elders and siblings. Only now do they start to realize I’m not a kid anymore. At the right time and in the right place I take up my place among the 'others' and make a crucial difference when en where it is needed.. I smile silently as I hear their surprised mumbles… 'He's not a kid anymore'. Tell me something that’s new. I've grown up a long time ago and my life was not always the playground you thought it was to me. I have seen my dire straights and have had my dark clouds.

I am stronger then you think and am gently getting fed up of having to prove it all the time. Respect and appreciation comes at the price of service i guess. I have given up shouting that I am no longer the child in me. I have given up trying to prove myself. I just let them slide and slip only to be the last and unexpected hand that stops them firmly from tumbling to their doom. My eyes lock gently upon them as i gracefully swallow my 'I told you so'. The one good thing about being underestimated is that you take people by surprise on a daily basis.

As the naive smile slides from my worried face I can only look towards the future in apprehension. I do not know what lies beyond the horizon but I already smell the burning rubble of what might lie ahead. As the shockwaves roll along the borders of my existence I try hard to keep my Mare Tranquilatis a true spot on the moon. Far away from everything and without the gravity of the whole situation to pull my hopes down…

I fight for my island of peace and try to find the subtle balance between getting involved and getting sucked in. Balancing on the event horizon of this inevitable black hole I fight the impossible demands that draw me in, and my conscience that would gladly tip me over the edge. I must stand my ground and find equilibrium between my own life and the one i came from. Between my own world and the world i sprang from. Looking for that one free zero-G orbit… As Babylon burns….

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Single point of Trouble !

Jan 26

I have just about had it. I won't go out on an all PC rant (again) but i must say i have just about had it. Every six months or so i go for a total redesign of my 'small' home network. I've just made up a little list what i still have to do since my last 'server-switch'. And i have come to realise i must be insane ! Sure , the complexity of my home network helps me keep my network-admin skills all sharp and fresh.. But the amount of 'workstation work' is enormous. Reinstall this , move that , download these drivers , update that etc etc. And this is presuming that the darn things will work properly (and the programs/system not going haywire). So I’ve decided it's been enough. I'm scaling down the whole shit and am going to switch to Linux or OSx where i can. I am setting up two pc's for sale and am going to round up all the hardware I don't need and yank it on Ebay or something. (so those of ya looking for a bargain : Point your ears my friends). The whole point is : You need computers to make your life easier. erm….. well , they are the one major source of trouble in my life. (they are the source of pretty much everything that is not nyana-related in my life) So its time to call in the cavalry and simplify the matters. ( So come over mr Jobs and give me one of those mini macs !). And where the Fuck is my Ibook !!!

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You cannot masturbate with transplanted genitals.

Jan 24

Ok , Its been a while and i must say its been a hectic week. But enough of that blah-blah : Blog is back. Hmm.. what have i been up to ? Enjoyed nice weekend with Nyana of course (non-computer related trips to the city combined with mega-server-stress cause I’m setting up a new server @ casa knight). Migration is stressful ! New mail server and old mail server are not the best of buddies, lots a data to be moved and i have drawn up another final solution in the 'what pc do it put where' department : Result : Reinstallation Galore ! (thank god for images). Promised myself to hook up my Linux system to a 17" TFT screen (no dual boot) So i'll just HAVE to learn. Friday : Went out (fun fun) Saturday : Morning : Got up and started configuring the new mail server (without a user manual of course) Its the quickest way to learn ( and to go from "I’m digging this" to "I’m losing it" in 15 secs flat). But two cups of cappuccino and one cd from faithless pulled me through : Result : mail server ready for use. Nyana dragged me away from the screen at 12:00 to go have a mega hot dog (jumzie !) and a trip into town. Mett up with a old friend of Nyana's (the girl gets more amazinly beautiful as the years go by) and had a little chit chat ( We'll call you !) and so on. Over to a friends place in the afternoon (fix up one f*** up pc, Evil Evil IE) and rushed towards Cherrymoons house in the evening. Ended up chatting about their and our wedding plans (i will not disclose ANYTHING .. top top secret) Very nice evening .. Nyana fell asleep in the car on our way home (she was not driving of course) and she is soooo cute when she sleeps in the car. Sunday ! Weekly dose of eggs and bacon in the morning combined with Cappuccino and two hours of Spongebob square pants in my pajama’s (sundays ROCK) Afternoon it was time to visit some friends (who are also getting married) and meet up with Karien. Chit chat about all kinds of everything (marriage/again and everything involved with that). Coolest quote of the afternoon : "If your genitals get transplanted to another person, that person can no longer masturbate because it is not his penis." Don't ask me how we got there it's just a nice quote. Had diner in a very yummie Pita Place we discovered in Hasselt (everybody should try it out) and maxed out in front of the TV (after i Told the new server to get bizzy formatting half a terrabyte worth of disk space). School starts next wednesday and that will leave me 'away from home' for two nights out of four. (not much left) So i do f*** hope my Ibook is going to get here ! Still no news from that front though. Even bought me an apple mouse this weekend (that is sitting on my desk , all alone.. it needs a buddy). Oh yea , snow has fallen outside. Wish i could go out for a walk but.. don't think so , still enough to do @ home :'( ..

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Happyness is not the default value.

Jan 21

We all think we'll live forever. we all think it will never change.

We all think everything is nice and good and that happiness is granted to us by default. We all think bad things happen to other people and never to us.

We are all wrong.

Today I stood by and watched somebody's world shatter.

I felt the core of her existence implode and watched the orbit of her universe shift forever.

I stood by and felt the icy cold shockwave pass trough my soul.

As all the hairs in my neck stood up I was amazed at how utterly useless and powerless i felt.

As debris rained down and the new reality set in I realized in horror how feeble the balance is.

We are all just one step away from the abyss.

Walking the tight rope of joy blindfolded by the arrogance that it will always be this way.

Hug the one close to you and tell them you love them. You never know what the next chime will bring.

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The big switch : A different view in teaching Linux.

Jan 15

The big switch : A different view at teaching Linux.

Introduction.

The first time I saw Linux was about five years ago, I believe it was a version 6.1 of Suse Linux. I remember being curious about the computer that was running it, and chatting up a colleague of mine (known as one of the company's uber-geeks) about what Linux was and how it worked and stuff. The story he told me dazzled me and for a while i really thought he was pulling my leg. He told me about a safe, secure and speedy operating system, that could run on machines varying from a “386” to a bigg-ass server. When I asked him what it could do , I knew he was kidding me, because he basically answered one word : EVERYTHING. My disbelief in an operating system that could be used for that enormous kind of diversity in purpose, gave him reason to explain to me just exactly how Linux was built, what the concept behind it was and how it was used. I sat down with him every lunch break for the next few days listening to his experiences with Linux and the things one could to with a “tux under the hood”. When the GNU license was explained to me, pointing out that the whole damn thing was free, I was ready to call the loony bin and have my friend planted in the funny farm. To those of you who come from a Win-world where Gates ( now Balmer ) is king and the only blue you see are the BSOD's on your computer, Linux DOES sound like an impossible utopia. And quite frankly , IT IS. There is one big big catch ! In order to protect its nest from predators, some birds make their nests high up in the trees. Natural predators do not have the ability to climb up so high without having to 1) Evolve some serious climbing skills 2) Overcome their fear of heights. And to those who are ready to make the switch to Linux , or are so fed up with the alternative there are some bounds to be broken. The big ass catch in switching from a “house of windows”' to “Torvalds Utopia” is having to drop the mouse. This trusty sidekick I have been using in my Windows based life for over ten years now (and that should be considered part of the human anatomy as an extension of the right hand) has been my palm-rest for almost half my life (i had an Amiga once, that one had a mouse too) To control an entire operating system via keyboard alone is too much to bare for some. They soon become 'ghosts in the shell'. And that shell is the other biggest scare of windows users. I started out with windows 95 where Dos was becoming a rapidly fading black-and-white-character-based memory. When i needed something i would just point and click. So when my Linux-geek-friend told me that i would have to unlearn everything i learned in a GUI enviroment, that i would have to drop my mouse and step into the dark void of bash.. I thought : I can do this ! Two weeks later, after hopelessly trying to understand the complex unix commands, getting trapped in VI once an hour and having to call for help to get me out, and basically getting NOWHERE.. I gave up. All the promises my friend had made, about what you could do with Linux , how fast it was , the great software you had etc etc seemed to reside on another planet. No way I could ever learn THAT. So I gave up and walked down the path of shame to my Windows workstation. Since then I have repeatedly tried to pick up Linux again. From downloading various versions to see which one i liked best, to actually BUYING three versions of Suse Linux, a lot of Linux books and taking classes about Linux in my local educational center.

And no matter where you go, or what you do : There are some things that are the same everywhere. Things you encounter when trying to work with Linux, and ways Linux is taught to students. I will some them up for they are the underlying fundamentals for this 'different approach' to Linux.

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