“Does anybody know where the Toilets are ?” No one asked Kirk, Ever.Mar 01
An interesting question floated through the Knightwise.com social media feeds a couple of days ago. Its nature was logical, common and very natural. It questioned the existence of a basic utility that tends to every humans needs at least once a day. It reveled in the ignorance whether or not such a facility existed on the bridge of our favorite starship.
“Where is the bathroom on the bridge of the original Enterprise : NCC 1701”
Without doubt this must have been a question that has been posed at the countless Star Trek Fanclub meetings and Comic con events. Where Princes Leias in tiny outfits asked fat guys dressed up as Picard “Where’s the bathroom ? ” The winner of this little questionnaire was @niejana who was apt to point out that ” There weren’t any”. But nerdy as we are we need to find the fact behind her claim.
The bridge of the original enterprise.
One of the alternative answers from the geekosphere stated that this claim was in fact FALSE. There was a second door next to the viewscreen that would lead to the toilets (or “head” as its called in naval terms) As we look towards the bridge plans of the original bridge we see no such door. The one thing that marked the fact that health and safety ruses where not very prevalent in Starfleet is the fact that there is only ONE DOOR on the bridge. If the turbolift doors would ever be glued together with superglue (You cannot trust those Klingons) everybody would be trapped. The fact that 300 years into the future people “dis-invented” circuit breakers makes that at the slightest jolt, bridge consoles tend to explode and there is always a lot of smoke, fire and toasty fingertips to go around on deck. With only one door … I would feel claustrophobic. But we digress since having a door next to the viewscreen would mean everybody would be looking straight at you every time you went for a tinkle. Awkward !
Of course we need the blueprints to be sure. Cygnus 1 is a beautiful collection for all you cyber stalkers who would like to know on what deck Yeoman Rand dries her laundry. When we take a look bridgeplan but find no “little room for ensign Uhura to powder her nose either” We do see a “secondary exit” added to all Starships a little later on. (Klingons, Superglue… Shit happens on the Enterprise you know ! )
Perhaps its better next time ?
This oversight can of course not go unpunished. Or at least that is what we thought. After spending months in drydock (and being handed over to Captain ‘I was a minister in Seventh Heaven and it shows ‘ Decker … the only thing that is added to the Enterprise bridge is .. a second set of turbolifts. Scotty ! What are you thinking ! ! !
Can I get a Head ?
We have to wait more then 80 years for the concept of wearing diapers on the bridge wears out its novelty. (Its the only possible alternative) Meanwhile 3 other Starship Enterprises have been blown to smithereens or have returned to Spacedock carrying an empty septic tank and a crew with a bladder infection. In the Enterprise D, (You know, the obese model that looks like the inside of the Bellagio) one can answer natures call. You will have to tiptoe to the back of the bridge and try not to scold Worf afterwards because he left the seat up again. Klingons will glue doors shut when they are angry (or so I heard).
So if you still feel the need to go into Starfleet, make sure you eat well, exercise, study, train hard .. But DON’T drink plenty of fluids.. Because in space no-one can hear you flush.